The father and breadwinner of a young immigrant family passed away unexpectedly. He, his wife, and children were members of my parents’ congregation. They were family friends, as well. People in the congregation wanted to help, which is wonderful. Losing a spouse is awful and especially painful when it’s unexpected and the family lives in a foreign (to them) country. My mom was in a leadership position in her congregation and part of councils that look out for the members. She gave the other leaders one key piece of counsel: “Don’t give her money.”
Why was my liberal feminist mother recommending they not help her friend out with money in a truly unfortunate situation? Wouldn’t a newly widowed mother in a foreign land need money because her family lost their source of income? Wouldn’t some immediate cash be a great idea to help meet the next rent bills and buy some time for her to grieve and plan? This kind of charitable response is very appropriate and much appreciated for a typical American widow. Immediate financial aid doesn’t necessarily apply to a situation for someone from another culture.
My mom’s friend’s culture is a group-oriented one. According to what my mom knows about it, some of the money, if not all, would have gone to her husband’s extended family in living Africa and possibly even to members of their local African social community. That’s how things go in their culture. Money offered with intent to help my mom’s friend and her children might not be used 100% for the immediate and intended situation. My mom recommended they give her direct goods instead to make sure the boys and mother got their needs met and that their help went where they wanted it to.
The situation had different rules because of cultural differences in individualism and collectivism. Americans saw the death as directly affecting the nuclear family of the deceased. This specific African culture saw it as affecting a larger family and community unit. The American widow figures out what’s best for her nuclear family and does it (usually with some counsel, but ultimately making the decision herself). This African widow had stronger pushes and others who felt they should make decisions for her. It’s definitely not a bad thing to have people looking out for you in times of hardship. It’s wonderful that she had so many people to help look out for her. There are simply different cultural approaches to situations that need consideration, particularly when we’re outsiders looking in or wanting to help.
Individualism and collectivism both have their pros and cons. Full cultural assimilation isn’t my goal as a TESOL/TEFL instructor. I’m not out there to convert them to any supposed wonderful joys of American individualism. I see them as individuals and focus on their individual needs, but I’m not making judgment calls for them on what aspects of which cultures to retain or discard. I help my students learn English and culture so they can more effectively understand and navigate a new environment and make their own judgments. When they learn the individualistic tendencies of their new culture, they’ll be able to see how to adapt their own behaviors in specific situations or understand where people might be coming from.
Do you have any stories like this one, where a response to an incident had to be changed because of collective cultural factors?
The situation had different rules because of cultural differences in individualism and collectivism. Americans saw the death as directly affecting the nuclear family of the deceased. This specific African culture saw it as affecting a larger family and community unit. The American widow figures out what’s best for her nuclear family and does it (usually with some counsel, but ultimately making the decision herself). This African widow had stronger pushes and others who felt they should make decisions for her. It’s definitely not a bad thing to have people looking out for you in times of hardship. It’s wonderful that she had so many people to help look out for her. There are simply different cultural approaches to situations that need consideration, particularly when we’re outsiders looking in or wanting to help.
Individualism and collectivism both have their pros and cons. Full cultural assimilation isn’t my goal as a TESOL/TEFL instructor. I’m not out there to convert them to any supposed wonderful joys of American individualism. I see them as individuals and focus on their individual needs, but I’m not making judgment calls for them on what aspects of which cultures to retain or discard. I help my students learn English and culture so they can more effectively understand and navigate a new environment and make their own judgments. When they learn the individualistic tendencies of their new culture, they’ll be able to see how to adapt their own behaviors in specific situations or understand where people might be coming from.
Do you have any stories like this one, where a response to an incident had to be changed because of collective cultural factors?
I enjoyed reading your post Kerri. Your family's experience trying to help a family in a group-oriented culture was a great example of the many differences between the two cultures.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jeanine! I'm always amazed by how little I still know about other cultures even though I've been interested in them my whole life!
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